Comedy Play


Character list: Antony, Harris, Jack, Joe.

Act 1

Scene 1

A dark and dingy bedroom with a lamp turned on focusing on a marble desk. The lamp’s light is dim and a young man in his late teens dressed in a tracksuit, has his head on the table resting on his crossed arms. Light moves to focus onto him. Two kids can be seen in the corner of the stage whispering to each other.

(Enter Jack and Joe)

Jack: So is that him?

Joe: Yep. Antony.

Jack (Grins): Let’s hope he doesn’t cheat on us with Cleopatra.

Joe: What…?

Jack: Antony and Cleopatra…? (Shakes his head) You illiterate fool.

Joe: You’re the illiterer-illitertate-illiterate fool!

Jack (puffs chest out): Ha! doeth not testeth me!

Joe: Calm down Shakespeare you’re gonna expose us.

Jack: We’re supposed to reveal ourselves remember?

Joe: I’m not ready still. Let me go over my lines first.

Jack: You’ve got lines…?

Joe (Reads out of hand): Hello sir, how do you do? I would like to inform you that we’re here on behalf of-

Jack: You know he’s just a teenager right?

Joe: So? Human teenagers are intelligent creatures who bear the weight of the world on their shoulders and-

Jack: All they do is eat and sleep! I still don’t understand why He picked this guy.

Joe: Don’t doubt or question Him, you traitor!

Jack: Fine, fine. Let’s just get this over with. We can’t mess this one up.

Joe: If anyone’s gonna mess this up it’ll be you.

Jack: Me?! You’re the one who can’t even talk properly!

Joe: I’m pretty sure this one isn’t interested in Shakespeare anyways.

Jack: Well you’re useless.

Joe: Hey I’m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.

Jack: I’m sorry; I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

Joe (Gasps): Arm this!

(Joe swings his arms in a frantic manner, Jack responds in a similar, if not worse, manner. It escalates until the pair of them fall onto stage, somehow unharmed, alerting Antony.)

Antony: Hey! Who’s there? Who are you two? Are you Harris’s friends?

Joe (Panics): No! No wait, yes… I mean yea!

Jack (Shakes his head in disbelief. Whispers): You’ve already managed to mess this up.

Joe: Well you aren’t exactly helping!

Jack: Am I supposed to talk on your behalf too?

Joe: We’re both supposed to be talking you embicile!

Jack: its imbecile…Are you always an idiot or is it just when I’m around?

Joe (confused): But you’re always around.

Jack: …Not even God can save you

Joe (Gasps): You know you’re not allowed to say that!

Jack: Well I just did!

Joe: You’re gonna get in big troub-

Antony: Helloooooo?

Jack (Clears throat): Yea my brother and I are here on God’s behalf to tell you of a task you have to complete-

Antony: I thought you said you were my little brother’s friends?

Jack (Not paying attention): It’ll take you a lot of courage, wisdom and faith to fulfil it so be prepared-

Antony: What do you mean God’s behalf? What kind of game is this?

Jack: We’re here to protect you but there’s only so much we can do so be careful-

Antony: Protect me? You’re eight years old!!

Jack: We are only here to guide you so any decisions taken must be taken by yours and taken wilfully-

Antony (Picks both twins up and heads to the room door): Ok tell you what, count to ten and we’ll play this silly game of yours.

Jack (stops door from being shut): Hey, hey easy there kiddo we’re here to help you, this isn’t a silly game.

Joe (babbling): Yea you don’t wanna upset the big guy up there trust me. I did it once. Ok twice, but the first wasn’t my fault. Basically this other angel dared me to light a fire with my fart but I forgot we were in the house of God at the time-

Antony: wait did you say angel?

Joe (not paying attention): and when I realised it was too late you know. I already lit the match and basically I had really gassy food for lunch, tacos are the best-

Antony: So let me get this straight, you’ve got taco-bell up in heaven?

Joe: And I was crouched over already so I couldn’t stop farting and yea CABOOM. His rug is on fire, the cat is running around in circles, smoke everywhere so obviously I did the logical thing…

(Joe waits for an answer from Antony. Guiding Antony with him they both say.)

Joe and Antony: I tried to put it out by fanning my winds.

Joe: Next thing you know His snow white of a cat is crispy black, the rug is still on fire, only this time the curtains are too and we gotta evacuate. You’d think God’s house would have an emergency exit. You know, water from the ceiling, the whole shebang right? Instead my wings are taken away and Mr Bitter next to me too. Now we gotta be here looking after you but you don’t believe us like we’re fantasy fairies or something.

Antony: Can I talk now?

Joe: Yea what’s wrong with you? What are you being so quiet for?

Antony (Shaking his head): Look I don’t know what Tony set you two up to but I got things to do. Even if you two were ‘angels’ then wouldn’t He send you with proof or something? Why would he send two kids anyways?

Joe (turns to Jack): Boy we didn’t plan this through did we?

Jack: I thought you had the letter?

Joe: What letter?

Jack: God gave us a letter remember? Oh my days, how could you lose it?

Joe: Hey this one’s on you ok.

Jack: I’m only here cause of you!! The least you could do is get the bloody letter!

Joe (addressing Antony): We’re not eight by the way.

Antony: Clearly.

Joe: We’re way older than you, trust me.

Jack: You can’t even be trusted with a letter!

Joe: Jesus ok stop grilling me, I forgot.

Jack: Jesus isn’t grilling you, I’M grilling you.

Joe: Ha-ha Jack, you know Jesus doesn’t like being made fun of like that.

Antony: You two have given me a headache.

Jack: That’s it! That’s our proof!

Antony: What giving me a headache means you’re angels? Heaven’s gonna be lovely huh?

Jack: No not that smartass, we’ll heal your headache, right now, on the spot.

Antony: Ha-ha alright let me see this. Go on then.

As Joe chants, fog surrounds Antony and the stage light focuses on him, possibly flickering.

Joe: Oh Lord, hear me now. Antony has a headache, OW! Prove your existence by healing him. Then sacrifice on a whim-

Antony: Woah what? No no no, don’t do that. I’m fine, my headache’s gone you win I’ll do what you want.

Jack: You idiot Joe. He’s supposed to want to do it himself and since when do we chant?

Joe’s laughing by this point, lying down on the floor in the foetal position, unable to control himself.

Joe: Did you see- did you see his face? Oh man I got him, I got him good.

Antony: Wait, what…? Was the light flickering and fog all you?

Jack: Never mind him. You’re gonna have to come with us.

Picks Joe up from the arm pits and drags him off stage while Joe’s still laughing. Antony’s still confused but follows shortly after.

Act 2

Scene 1

The setting can be anything that will resemble Mount Sinai, the mountain Moses spoke to God from. Rocks placed in the corners of the stage to form a square with an open space in the middle made of rough terrain.

(Enter Jack, Joe and Antony)

Antony, this time is the one being dragged from his armpits onto stage.

Antony (Trying to shake Jack off him): Jesus, ok, ok. I can walk, just let me go.

Jack (Drops Antony): Fine. Better not try to run away this time.

Antony (Dusting himself off): How on Earth are you even that strong? You’re just a bloody kid!

Joe: Told you we’re not actually children. It was just…a mistake.

Antony: A mistake? What do you mean a mistake? Like a transformation mistake?

Jack: Don’t even go there Joe!

Joe: What? What? I’m not going anywhere… (Babbling) Jack put in the wrong age in the human age transformater!

Jack (Smacking Joe on the head): Joe! You just made me look unprofessional.

Joe: We look eight! It can’t be any worse.

Jack (Addressing Antony shamefully): We were supposed to look eighty so we would look wise with a white beard and everything.

Antony: But how would you be able to walk comfortably and not pee every five minutes?

Joe (Jack and Joe look at each other): Oh…we didn’t consider that. Humans are weak creatures.

Antony: Right. I’m still trying to understand why He sent two clumsy angels to me. Where are we anyways?

Jack (Proudly): Mount Sinai. The mountain Moses spoke to God on.

Antony: Oh am I going to speak to God himself here?

Joe: You mean ‘herself’.

An awkward pause ensues. Jack and Joe are glaring at Antony very seriously, almost aggressively.

Antony (Rambling): I didn’t mean…I didn’t mean to insult Her or anything…I just assumed, well we were taught, that God was a He, naturally so-

Jack: So God can’t be a She? Are you that much of a sexist Mr Antony?

Jack and Joe begin cornering Antony, and ends up on the floor leaning against one of the four rocks frightened.

Antony: No, no, I just meant-

Joe: Just meant that a woman couldn’t do as good a job as a man did.

Jack: Meant that there couldn’t be an almighty She, only an almighty He.

Joe: Meant that you thought you are better than any woman on Earth just because of what’s in between your legs!

Jack: Is that what you’re saying Antony?!

Joe: Is it?!

Antony: No, no, not at all, I didn’t mean anything, I-

Jack and Joe burst out into laughter. Antony with bewilderment stuck onto his face until he realises what was going on.

Jack (High-fives Joe): Woo, got him really good this time. Better than your one earlier.

Joe: Yea it was good but not AS good.

Jack: What? No way! He actually fell over this time.

Joe: Yea but I did it alone and-

Antony: So God’s a He huh?

Jack: God is neither a she nor a he. He is just used symbolically, to express power and authority. Such as when God addresses himself in third person or even the use of ‘we’, the ‘we’ is used as the royal ‘we’.

Antony: Oh…ok. So what are we doing in such a religious place anyways?

Joe: To get you baptised, why else?

Antony: What? No thanks. Are you telling me God sent me two, not one, TWO angels just to baptise me?

Jack: Well of course, you share the same blood as Jesus Christ himself and you’re the first one related to him who hasn’t been baptised yet.

Antony: Yea my parents weren’t religious. Wait so my great, great, great grandfather is Jesus Christ?

Joe: Great, great, great, great, great grandfather actually.

Jack: Nope. Too many greats. It’s four greats.

Joe: That’s what I said.

Jack: You’re a lost cause, can’t even count.

Joe (pats Jacks head): Let’s not go back to talking about numbers yea?

Jack (swatting Joe’s hand away): Fine, fine, whatever.

Antony: So why not my parents or my little brother?

Jack: Your parents have been baptised but lost their religious selves a long time ago. They’re old enough to make their own decisions, understanding their consequences. Your younger brother is too young. His time will come unless you do it yourself. You, Antony, are the perfect age to decide what you want to do, still young enough to change your life and to understand the impact of your decisions. This is not forceful. God sees something in you and has hope in you. You get to decide whether you want to go ahead with it or not. Sending us meant you ought to have enough evidence to understand it is all real.

Joe: …yea what he said.

Antony stands and walks from one end to the other, back and forth contemplating what has just been said to him. He looks at the twins and exits the stage. The twins shrug at each other and then sit side by side leaning on any of the rocks. A marble, identical to the table mentioned in Act 1, sink basin is brought onto the stage from above, filled with holy water. The lights dim and focus only on the marble sink basin.

Act 2

Scene 2

Similar setting to Scene 1. Adding a pathway, to make Antony’s walk easier, and a sitting area or even just a rock, will do no harm. Antony is seen sitting down.

Antony (Muttering to himself): Why does me being His great, great, great, great grandson have anything to do with anything? Why should I bear the weight of my ancestors? I don’t have anything to do with that or any responsibility to that…well; he did say I have a choice…but surely being related means I’ll only be punished even harder if I don’t follow through? Or does it mean I get some sympathy and won’t be punished as much? Wait…does this mean I’ll go into heaven regardless of what I do? So I can do horrible things and get away with it…but I don’t want to do that anyways. I don’t do things for reward or consequences. I simply do good cause it feels good when I do and I feel bad when I do something bad…I think. Do my actions have to have a reward or consequence for them to mean something or does my intention matter? Does intention even count for anything if whatever action is done regardless? Like if I intend to help someone but I didn’t, does that make me bad for not doing it or does it make me good for thinking of doing it? Does a belief hold any value if actions don’t follow it or do actions come from having beliefs? Am I complicating things or does God actually think so thoroughly?

Antony stands up and looks up to the sky.

Antony (screaming): Why do you test good people harshly and let bad people run the world, ruining the planet you’ve graciously given us? Am I responsible for their actions? Does my lineage mean I have to save the world or change it for the better? Am I what you meant by the second coming?

Antony waits patiently for a reply, when he gets none he kicks a rock out of frustration.

Antony: You’ll never talk will you? It’s a decision I have to make and you can’t influence it. Just like how you’ve left us humans alone, prophet-less and leaderless for centuries. A test. Always a test. What if I’m sick of taking them? What if I fail this one on purpose? Does that change your plans or did you already know? Then why would you have sent those two clumsy, stupid angels? Couldn’t you have sent a real one? Or did you plan this too? If things are done by our choices and you already know our choices then how does fate and destiny make any sense? Is it really predetermined? How can it be predetermined if at any single moment we can choose to change our minds and decisions? Do you then adjust your plan or was it part of your plan all along? Does what I do even affect the grand scheme of things or am I supposed to do it simply because it affects me…?

Antony stands suddenly and waits for a moment before running off and exiting the stage.

Act 3

Scene 1

Antony, Jack and Joe are all back in Antony’s room. The same setting as Act 1, Scene 1.

Jack: You did it kiddo. You did the right thing.

Antony: I did it for me. Not anybody else.

Joe: That’s all that mattered in the first place.

Antony: Yea I figured that bit out.

Joe: Where’d you even go?

Jack (whacks Joe): That doesn’t matter and has nothing to do with us.

Antony: Nah it’s not a big deal. I just went for a walk. That mountain was very peaceful. Easy to air out and think about stuff.

Joe: Ouch ok, there he said it. No biggie. No need to hit me either. Geez I’m the older one remember?

Jack: You’re more stupid too.

Joe: Hey you thought Antony was stupid too and look at how he turned out to be?

Antony: I’m not stupid…Wait, you two actually are twins?

Jack: Yea, just not identical. We thought it’d be fun if we were as humans. Clearly I was mistaken.

Joe: Yea I had fun. It feels like I’m looking at a mirror whenever I look at you.

Jack and Joe stand in front of each other, mirroring each other’s actions until Joe abruptly wrestles Jack to the floor and holds him down. Jack is unable to move.

Jack (squirming): Hey let me go.

Joe: Ha-ha maybe I am stupider but I am stronger.

Jack: Only cause you’re the older twin here too.

Joe: I’m stronger as an angel too.

Jack: Sure, whatever. Come on let me go, we need to get back. We can get our wings back and maybe this time you won’t burn down God’s house.

Joe: Hey I didn’t mean that!

Jack: Ok agreed. Just let me go!

Joe: Say I’m stronger…say it!

Jack: Ah! Fine you’re stronger, you’re stronger. You’re gonna break my baby arms.

Joe (letting go): Baby head too.

Jack: Real mature. Anyways Antony, I’m sure we’ll meet again soon.

Antony: Again? Come back as body builders and act like my body guards so we can mess with strangers.

Joe: He’s starting to think like us this one isn’t he?

Jack: Isn’t a bad plan either.

Jack and Joe flex, pulling off several body building poses before wrestling each other off stage. Antony laughs before jumping into his bed.

END

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